Esme's Vocabulary
by Psychotic Female of Many Names
Summary: OOC We don't know much about Esme, but she says some weird words that make the Cullens wonder... series of oneshots
1. The Case of the Missing Neminems

**The Case of the Missing Neminems**

_by Psychotic_

**Summary: **Esme is missing her M&M's and Alice has a vision about it... The children, curious, go home to spy Esme doing something very weird...

* * *

_"Doctor, doctor, gimme the news! I got a bad case of lovin' you! No pill's gonna cure my ills..."_

_Esme was jumping up and down on the furniture in the living room, randomly lifting up cushions and pillows, looking for something. She held the phone in one hand, singing into it like a microphone._

_"Neminems?" she called, stopping her singing for a moment. She lifted another cushion and dropped it. Then she began singing again._

Alice grinned as the vision anded. She looked over at Edward. He had the same expression on his face. He'd obviously seen the vision.

"We need to go home," Edward stated, "now." The Cullens -- plus Bella -- stood up and left the lunch room.

As they pulled into their driveway, they spotted Esme through the front window, singing and dancing. Emmett snickered.

They snuck into the house, quietly watching as their mother jumped around on the furniture, singing.

"Doctor, doctor, gimme the news! I got a bad case of lovin' you!"

After a moment of singing, Esme froze. She slowly turned around ad spotted the children. Then she grinned sheepishly. "What are you guys doing?"

"Alice had a vision. More importantly, though, Mom... what are _you _doing?" Edward grinned.

Esme looked embarrassed and didn't answer. Then the phone, on speaker, said, "Kids, stop making fun of your mother and help her look for her neminems. I mean, M&M's."

Esme stared at the phone in shock. She must have accidenly hit the redial button and then the speakerphone button. "Have you been listening to me this whole time without telling me?" she asked into the phone.

"You've got a bad case of lovin' me?"

If she had been human, Esme would've blushed. "Y-Yes..." she muttered.

"And you're looking for your neminems?"

"Yes..."

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Then yes, I have been listening to you this whole time. And you have a wonderful voice, my dear."

Esme smiled. "Thank you, Carlisle."

"Now help your mother look for her neminems, kids!"

The Cullens scrambled around, searching for the missing M&M's. Bella stared around for a moment before speaking up. "Why are we looking for M&M's if you can't eat them?"

Everyone froze. Bella was right. Why were they looking for the M&M's? They all looked at Esme.

"Th-they smell good and they make good decorations!"

Emmett snicker and Jasper grinned. "They smell good?" Alice asked.

"They do!" Esme exclaimed, defending herself.

Carlisle seemed to be holding back laughter on the phone. "Esme, dear, just find your neminems and then I'll be home, alright?" Esme agreed and hung up.

"Help me look," she ordered. "I can smell them in this room, I just can't find them!"

The Cullens, trying to hold back giggles, helped Esme and they eventually found the M&M's. Once they had, Esme sat on the couch, watching TV with the M&M's bowl in her hands, occasionally sniffing at it.

It seemed that this was a day the family would not soon forget.

* * *

**A/N: **I had to do it! It was irresistable! At school, I called M&M's "neminems" and my friends all went, "Esme, what did you just say?" Then we came up with idea that it would be comical if Esme actually DID call M&M's "neminems". So that's where this fanfic originated. 

Esme is probably a little OOC, but I don't care. I had fun writing it anyway!

By the way, this will be a series of oneshots about Esme's weird vocabulary!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_12.01.07_


	2. The Cure for Hippups

**The Cure for Hippups**

_by Psychotic_

**Summary: **Bella has the hiccups and Esme has a cure.

* * *

"_Hic! ... Hic! ... Hic! ..._" 

Alice laughed. "Haha! Bella has the hiccups!"

Bella glared at the pixie vampire. "Shut _-hic- _up, Alice!" Edward rubbed her back comfortingly, even though he was trying to hide a smile.

They sat there for a few more minutes, watching the TV in the Cullens' house, before Esme came rushing down the stairs when she finally noticed Bella's hiccuping.

"Bella! I have the perfect cure for your hippups!" she exclaimed, smiling.

"Hipp _-hic-_ ups? I mean, hippups?"

Alice giggled. "Hippups..." she muttered. "Esme, don't you mean 'hiccups'?"

Esme shook her head. "No, Alice, I mean hippups. Come on, Bella, let's cure those evil hippups!"

Jasper, who came in from the kitchen, said, "Esme, it's hiccups."

"It is not! It's hippups!"

Rosalie now came inside from the garage. Hearing her mother's exclamation, she agreed with Jasper and Alice. "Mom, it's hiccups, not hippups."

Esme groaned. "It's hippups! Now come on, Bella!"

No one really noticed that Bella's hiccups had stopped.

Edward was the next person to speak up. "Mom, I think they're right. It's hiccups."

"No, it is _not!"_ Esme exclaimed, stomping her foot. "It's hippups!"

Carlisle came down the stairs, finally, and said, "Kids, stop torturing your mother and let her cure Bella's hippups." Esme smiled graciously at her husband and dragged Bella into the kitchen. A moment later, they heard Esme shout, "Oh, Bella, the hippups are gone!"

Bella's voice came, "Esme, it's hiccups."

Esme shrieked in frustration and stomped from the kitchen, heading up the stairs, her husband following.

* * *

**A/N: **It's short, but it'll work. It's supposed to be short. This one is also based off of my vocabulary. In fact, most of these are based off of what I say. xD 

The next one, I believe, it my sister's word for Seven Up.

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_12.01.07_


	3. I Want Senevup!

**I Want Senevup!**

_by Psychotic_

**Summary: **Bella seems to be feeling a little bad, so Esme suggest drinking some Seven-Up.

**Disclaimer:** Guess I forgot this before, huh? Don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or any of the characters associated with them.

* * *

There was a crash, a groan, and then the pounding of feet before Edward became visible standing in front of his vampire mother. "Esme," he said, "Bella's not feeling very well. She's upstairs resting, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions to make her feel better?"

Esme nodded. "Yes, of course I do. But first, what was that crash?"

"Bella... well, she fell off the bed."

"Oh." Esme smiled, amused. It was just like Bella to do something like that. "Well, let me just get her some Senevup... It's lucky that I bought some last time we stocked up for Bella's food."

Edward looked at her funny. "Um, Mom... Senevup? Don't you mean Seven-Up?"

"Oh, but I can't say that, Edward," she stated matter-of-factly, as if he should already know this little piece of information. "Sev...Seven... Seven... Up? See, it's all choppy. It's so much easier to just say Senevup!"

Edward snorted. "Okay, Mom. Whatever makes you happy."

Esme smiled at her adopted son and took the cup with the Seven-Up in it -- bubbles stirred out, of course -- and was soon upstairs in Edward's room with Bella.

"Bella, dear, here's something that should help you feel a bit better," Esme said.

"Oh, thank you, Esme. What is it?" Bella asked, taking the cup.

"It's Senevup. It'll be easy on your stomach."

Bella looked confused. "Senevup? What's Senevup?"

Edward appeared next to his mother and said, "She means Seven-Up. She evidently can't say the actual name, so she says Senevup."

Bella tried her best not the laugh, but a small giggle came out. Esme frowned, hating to be made fun of, and tromped from the room.

Carlisle caught her coming down the stairs as he entered the house, coming back from the hospital. "Whoa, Esme, what's wrong?" he asked, seeing her face.

"The children are making fun of the fact that I can't say Seven... Seven... Up..."

He smiled down at her sweetly. "Don't listen to them, dearest. Just say it the way that's easiest for you. Senevup is fine with me. They just enjoy watching their usually calm mother freak out."

Esme smiled back at her husband and said, "Thank you. That makes me feel better."

"HA! SENEVUP!"

The motherly vampire groaned and Carlisle stated, "Emmett's found out. Dearest, I suggest you hide away for awhile." Esme completely agreed.

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. Didn't mean to take so long! I'm hoping to be able to update this more often now because the chapters are so short and random. And there's plenty more to come, believe me. xD

Thanks for waiting for so long! Review and be happy!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_04.24.08_


	4. Just Give Her the Oreoreos

**Just Give Her the Oreoreos**

_by Psychotic_

**Summary: **Esme just wants the Oreos, but they all keep taking them away from her!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, etc.

* * *

Esme wanted to just scream in frustration. Ever since the rest of the Cullens had started to discover her odd vocabulary, they had been teasing her nonstop. Now Esme did not have a short fuse, but after being pestered for such a long time...

_"Can I please just have the Oreoreos?"_

_Emmett smirked at his adopted mother. "Nope," he stated, popping the "p." "Not until you say it right -- Oreos!"_

_Esme groaned. "Emmett, give me the Oreoreos. Don't make me send Carlisle or any of the Volturi after you."_

_Emmett nearly squeaked in fear and ran. He tossed the thing of Oreos to Alice, who was grinning at Esme._

_"Mommy, come and get 'em!"_

_"Ugh, Alice, give the Oreoreos here."_

_"No!" Then the fairy-like vampire turned and dashed up the stairs, handing the bag to Edward next._

_Edward smiled. "You can come up and get the Oreos, Mom. I'll let you have them."_

_Esme returned his smile gratefully. "Thank you so much, Edward," she said, walking up the stairs at a human pace._

_"Why do you want them so bad anyway?"_

_"I like the smell of them."_

_"Oh, it's like the M&M's."_

_Esme gave her son a look. Edward grinned and then spun on his heel just as Esme was reaching for the Oreos. He threw the bag to Rosalie, who was laughing._

The mother-vampire stomped her foot, grabbed and her hair, and screamed. God, that felt good. It released so much tension! She then glared at Rosalie. "Rosalie Lillian Hale, give me those Oreoreos! NOW."

Rosalie shook her head and took off. It was just her luck, though, that she ran into Carlisle at the bottom of the stairs. He plucked the Oreos from her hands and went up to his wife, handing the package to her.

"Thank you, Carlisle," Esme said with a sigh. "Can we beat our children? Please?!"

Carlisle just chuckled. "Let's just give it time, dearest. You won't feel as angry in awhile once you calm down." He led her into their bedroom, the other Cullens behind them giggling uncontrollably.

* * *

**A/N: **I have decided to just type away tonight and update this because it's easy to think about and write. And I'm bored. xD

Review and be happy!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_04.24.08_


	5. That's Comical!

**That's Comical!**

_by Psychotic_

**Summary: **Esme decides that something is funny, but what's really funny is how she goes about expressing her amusement...

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight, etc.

* * *

"Oh, my, that's comical!"

Edward and Emmett stopped their childish bickering to stare at their mother. "What?" Emmett asked.

"I said, 'That's comical,'" Esme told two of her adopted sons. "Why, what's wrong? Did one of you get hurt?! Is that why you stopped?"

Edward shook his head. "No, Mom, we're fine, I promise." He grinned at Emmett. "But you're obviously not. Who honestly says 'comical?'"

"Well, dear, I do. And don't you dare start making fun of my words again!"

Emmett snorted in his attempt to hold in his laughter and Esme turned to glare at him. "S-Sorry, Mom, but the words that you use are just _hilarious_!"

Esme stomped over to Emmett and stated, "Emmett McCarty Cullen, if you say one more word about my vocabulary, I won't hesitate to slap you!"

The two boys instantly shut up. It was rare when they pissed Esme off enough to threaten violence, and this meant that she was really angry. But just because she would get mad if she heard about it didn't mean they couldn't tell Alice and Rose...

"So we were fighting about who got the blue controller -- "

"Me!"

" -- and Mom comes in and sees how we're fighting and starts to laugh. Then she says, 'Oh, my, that's comical!'"

Alice began to crack up and Rosalie grinned. "She didn't," Alice said.

"She did."

The girls giggled uncontrollably. "You know, we should really start making a list of all these weird words of hers. Haha, comical! Who says that any -- "

The bedroom door burst open to reveal their fuming vampire mother. "Oh, crap," Alice muttered, her eyes wide.

"'Oh, crap' is right!" Esme nearly shouted. "Didn't I tell you boys that if I heard one more word about my vocabulary, I would slap you?!"

The Cullen children all screamed simultaneously and darted from the room. Esme had to grin. It was a comical sight, watching her children squirm just because they thought she would hurt them.

Like she would ever dare!

* * *

**A/N: **I have found myself bored again, so I'm updating this story. The little stupid things they all do make me laugh. xD

Review and be happy!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_04.27.08_


	6. Bella Needs Some NumNums

**Bella Needs Some Num-Nums**

_by Psychotic_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight.

**Summary: **Bella is really hungry and asks Edward if she can have something to eat. Esme just happens to hear.

* * *

Bella's stomach growled suspiciously and she smiled sheepishly at Edward. "Um, Edward...? Can I have something to eat...?"

Edward smiled crookedly at her and stood up. "Of course you can, love. You can have whatever you want."

Bella was about the say something when the door opened to reveal Esme. "Oh, Bella, you need some num-nums?" she inquired. She had obviously heard what the girl had said.

The youngest -- or second oldest, depending on how you looked at it -- Cullen started to laugh. Esme looked at him with a glare. "One word, Edward," she said. "One word. I dare you. Your piano won't be there come morning."

Edward instantly darted from the room. Esme nodded and turned back to Bella. "Come on, dear. Let's go get you some num-nums."

* * *

"Num-nums?"

"Yes. Num-nums."

"How many is that now?"

"Hm... neminems, hippups, senevup, oreoreos, comical, and num-nums. That's six."

"Six already? Wow. Wonder why we never noticed these words before."

"Yeah, I know! Maybe she just started to say them to see how we would react to them. That's not really Esme, though, is it?"

"The words aren't very Esme, either."

"Good point."

"What's not me?"

"Mom!"

"... Hi!"

"You're talking about my vocabulary again, aren't you?"

"No, of course not! You told us not to, and we're good children. We listen."

"No, you really don't. And I heard you. I would run. Fast."

"Crap!"

"Ahhh!"

"Dad, Mom's trying to murder us!"

"That's nice, kids."

* * *

**A/N:** I know, really random. xD I decided to do the last part in all dialogue to see how it went. I think it sounded pretty funny. xD

Review and be happy!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_05.17.08_


	7. Oh, Look at the Ephalents!

**Oh, Look at the Ephalents!**

_by Psychotic_

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Summary: Carlisle and Esme have gone on vacation to Africa to have some alone time, and see some interesting animals.

* * *

Giggling, Alice watched as Edward picked up the ringing house phone. "Cullen residence," he spoke politely, "Edward speaking."

"Edward, son, it's Carlisle."

"Oh, Dad! Hey!"

"How is everything going at the house so far? Emmett and Alice haven't destroyed anything yet, have they? Nothing we need to beat them for when we get back?"

Alice stopped laughing and gulped, her eyes wide. Edward smirked. "Not yet, but I don't doubt that _something _will happen."

"I don't either." Father and son shared a laugh.

"So how is it in Africa, Dad? See any good animals yet?"

Carlisle sighed. "No, not yet. We're on our way to check it out right now."

"Oh, I see. Is Mom there?"

Esme's voice was heard in the background. "Hi, Edward!"

"Hey, Mom."

His mother took the phone from Carlisle and said, "So I hear everything is going alright?"

"Yes, it's going fine."

"And no one is misbehaving too much?"

"No."

"Okay, good. Just making sure. I love you, dear. Here's Carlisle."

She handed the phone back to her husband, who was chuckling. "She's so worried about you kids back at home. I think she's terrified that her decorating job is going to get ruined."

"We'll do our best to keep out of trouble, Dad."

"That's good, Edward. Oh, dear, look - "

"_Oh, look at the ephalents!"_

Carlisle sighed. "Yes, dear, those are ephalents, aren't they?"

"Oh, they're so darling!"

Edward spoke up. "Ephalents? Another word?"

The three-hundred-year-old vampire's voice got stern. "Edward Cullen, if you make fun of your mother for that word, I swear to God that I will - "

"_Oh, such pretty aminals!"_

"Don't make fun of her for that word, either. Or else."

Edward shuddered. He didn't really want to think about what his father could do. "Um... sure, Dad. Have fun in Africa. Bye!" He hung up before his father heard him laughing.

"I _told _you she would say something funny!" Alice exclaimed.

* * *

**A/N: **So school is out now! Hopefully I'll have more time to write now. This is just a chapter that I wrote while I was bored. Hope you enjoy!

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_06.05.08_


	8. I Remember When I Was Human

**I Remember When I Was Human…**

_by Psychotic_

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Summary: Esme remembers a certain food that she used to love when she was human.

"I remember when I was human I used to love pineapple. I swear I was addicted to that stuff."

"I don't remember anything from when I was human."

"We know that, Alice."

"You're supposed to feel sorry for me!"

"Too bad, so sad. Edward, what did you like to eat when you were human?"

"I think I used to like mashed potatoes, especially with turkey gravy."

"You're an odd duck, Edward."

"Shut up, Alice."

"Oh, I remember when I was human, I used to love nanners!"

"Um, nanners, Mom?"

"Yes, nanners. You know, the long yellow fruit that grow in bunches in tropical forests."

"Oh! You mean bananas."

"No, I mean nanners."

"O…kay… I'm just going to add that to the list of odd words that Esme says… and declare you officially insane."

"I am not insane! I just use different words."

"You're insane."

"I am not! Stop saying that, or I swear I'll – "

"Kids! What have I said about teasing your mother?!"

"Ah! Carlisle's going to kill us! Don't kill me, Daddy, please don't kill meeeeee!"

"Mom, save us!"

"Hahahaha! Why should I? Teasing little brats."

**A/N:** Another little chapter in all dialogue. I've decided these chapters are all going to be very short things, because it only is meant to show the word and the reaction to it.

Review and be happy! (:

_Psychotic Female of Many Names_

_12.29.08_


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